Day 354 - Round 7 or Not.

Today was supposed to be chemo, but it wasn't. I chickened out. Hardcore.

My blood work was good, so I was able to have the treatment. We made arrangements to go for something to eat & then come back in one hour when my drugs were ready. I was so worked up about the treatment that I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat anything & I had to go to the bathroom a lot. I was nearly in tears. Finally Jaco said to me, 'You don't have to do it today. We can come back another day.' That was the best news I'd heard all day. I was so stressed out about the treatment.

The crazy part was that I hadn't even received a drug & I already felt sick! My mind was playing some dirty tricks on me! Jaco went into the treatment room & told them I wouldn't be having treatment today. They weren't too impressed, but I didn't care. I wasn't in any form to receive a droplet of chemo.

We drove home & I slept for awhile. I then phoned Dr. Castillo & asked him what I should do. I called Andrea, the girl who had the same lymphoma as I did & who also did chemo. I read scriptures & a few parts from a book called Battlefield of the Mind. It worked. I came to grips with the fact that it really is 'all in my head'. Scary!

Unbelievable that a few thoughts could take me on a runaway train down a dark path. By the end of the day, I was ready to go back to the hospital & face the music. Don't ask me how I'll make it to #12, but I am ready for #7.

I had decided (prior to today) that I was only going to do 8 rounds. I was going to have my scan & when it was good (or bad) I was going to stop chemo & do something else. Enough already. However, Dr. Castillo told me not to quit, as did Andrea. I thought she had only done 8 rounds, but she told me she did all 12. Poof. There went the wind out of my sails. I was hoping to sneak out the back door before anyone noticed. Not happening now! Andrea also suggested (for about the 4th time) (I'm dense sometimes!) that I take acupuncture for anxiety. She did & it worked wonders for her.

Fingers crossed & prayers answered... Wish me luck tomorrow!

xxxxMJV&O