Day 119 - Things Are Never What They Seem

I'll rise, but I won't shine. I was up early & out the door by 0850. My appointment with Dr. Dowdall was at 0945. I was about to find out the results from my CT scan & my biopsy. 


I did a little homework on the biopsy. I was frustrated my results hadn't come back. I also hadn't heard anything from Dr. Daly's office. I left a message on Monday to see if I would have an appointment on Thursday to find out the biopsy results. I hadn't received a call back by Wednesday, so I phoned again & spoke to the appointments desk. The gal on the other end says, 'I don't have an appointment for you this week. All I can see is a Fine Needle Aspiration scheduled for the end of March.' Oh. WHAT?!?!?! This is not a good sign! And if he has rescheduled me, why hasn't he called me to tell me what happened with the first one! He did elude that it may not have worked, which made me quite cranky! I mean, I've already had 12 needles stuck into my neck & they still can't figure things out?!? Come on! 


Anyhow, after I found out about the upcoming appointment, I phoned Dr. Dowdall's office & asked if they had access to the biopsy results. Sure enough, they did. Good. Two birds, one stone.


So, there I sat, in the little examination room. My stomach doing flip flops, awaiting to hear the results. One of the interns came in to talk to me about the results. She printed off the CT scan & told me the biopsy results weren't there yet. It said I'd had a biopsy, but that was it. Argh! (Hands being thrown up in the air & eyes rolling!) She said it usually takes two weeks to get the results & when I told her it had already been two weeks, she said she would check again.


The next thing, Dr. Dowdall & the intern come through the door. Dr. Dowdall sits down & we have a little chat. The results were back. The needle biopsy showed NO MALIGNANT CELLS. ------------------------------LONG PAUSE--------------------------------


What? Yes, that's right. No cancerous cells. Two big needles & one little one shoved into this lump that's been hanging out on my neck for two years & no cancerous cells. I saw the boogery little sample he pulled out of my neck. What gives? Okay, yes, I should be ecstatic they didn't find cancer. I am excited that there are healthy cells in my neck - they're fighting the good fight for me! But then, why do I have this mass on the side of my neck? I got excited, thinking it was Coccidiomycosis! Yes, quick round of antibiotics & I'm back in the swing of things! But sigh, no. Now, I am faced with the option of a surgical biopsy only. Cutting out a node & that's that. This goes against every ounce of medical beliefs that I have. 


Your lymph system is your body's sewer system. It cleans up all the garbage. If cancer is a nasty thing, why would I remove part of my waste disposal, only to leave the rest of it to work that much harder!? Then there's the risk of Lymphemdema, where your the limb closest to the lymph glands affected swells up like a water balloon. And then of course, there's the whole biopsy seeding, which we all know 'doesn't exist', oh, & don't forget that when you get a cut, cells proliferate to 'heal' the wound. Do you think they differentiate between cancer cells & healthy cells? No, didn't think so. 


So that's the Reader's Digest version of why I don't want an excision biopsy. If they aren't swift enough to pull cancerous cells out of my neck after 12 attempts, what makes me confident they won't muck things up while I'm under surgery?


Shocked & stunned, I drive home with my eyes on the road, but my mind a million miles away. When I told Mom the news, she was really excited. I suppose I should be too. But then, what is it & why is it still there? My next obstacle was Mexico. I can't very well go for treatment if I don't have a diagnosis. I know that neither Doctor will administer chemo without knowing what they are treating. I phoned Dr. Castillo & he said I could do a biopsy there, but it would cost about $300-500. Gulp. My budget had already been cut in half & doing the biopsy in Mexico would leave me that much less for the actual treatments! 


I was being pressured to see only one doctor & having only half the funding I'd expected, adding now, another failed biopsy, it suddenly seemed like the Powers That Be were screaming at me to not go to Mexico. My heart shouted back some sort of expletive, but in any case, after Mom's suggesting we stay home, I decided not to go. 


I had an appointment with Jessica that afternoon, so I had a nap, woke up, ticked off at the world & proceeded to get the car stuck in the yard. Again. In the exact same spot as last time. Leaving to see the exact same person as last time. Argh! My brother was there for lunch, so him & Mom pushed the car out while I grumbled about why I couldn't just take the truck. 


On my way in my trusty ol' Contemplate, I made my way to Jessica's. I was early! Well, I should have been really early, but my photographic memory is failing me. I took every right turn, but the right one! I finally stopped at a gas station to look it up in the road atlas & finally made my way there! 


I shared with Jessica my crappy day thus far & she put me in a much better place! Knowing my mind is a powerful tool, we worked a lot on how to deal with this current issue & when I left one hour later, I felt much, much, MUCH better. 


I am quite happy to give it a month before the biopsy & work on getting rid of these lumps! I left for my acupuncture appointment, had a lovely spine crack - ooooooh yeah! It was splendid! I could finally shoulder check again! Although, a headache had been brewing since I left Jessica's, so I decided to abandon prayers & come home. I really didn't want to talk or see anyone & I knew Mom was going, so I would have the house to myself. 


When I got home, I saw that Mom had cancelled the flights, hotel & both Doctor's appointments. I also saw that Dr. Daly's office had called with a biopsy appointment. For February 24th! What? In less than a week? I have just got off the phone with them & they booked a Fine Needle Aspiration. I have asked them to change it to a Core Needle Biopsy & throw the Fine Needle at the dart board. I'm started to feel like a human pin cushion here! Yeesh!


Anyhow, I phoned my dear friend, Laura, whom I was so excited to see in Mexico. Where we first met & shared a passion for health (& shopping). I was so excited to meet her family - her wonderfully supportive husband & her three beautiful girls. But, now, it will be on different terms, I guess! :o(


I hit the hay at 0930, exhausted from a very emotional day. 


So there you have it. I'm still sitting in good ol' Bragg Creek, wondering what on Earth is going on & where I will go from here. No tacos for this chick. Just some more snow. I plan on taking a workshop from Jessica this weekend & hopefully I'll have so more exciting news to report by Sunday night.


Thanks for tuning in & here's to a better tomorrow!


xxxx
Maria & Valentina

Three words to change the course of life.